Languages: Whom Are You Kidding?

Just about anywhere you go in Europe you’re likely to find someone who speaks English. The frequency and quality of English speakers will vary depending on location, obviously; you may have an easier time understanding someone in Geneva than Glasgow, though you can read the newspaper in the latter. Most western Europeans take English lessons in school no later than the 5^th grade, often earlier. Before you say, “well, I took Spanish in the 5^th grade and can’t speak a lick,” remember continental Euros also get reinforcement through pop culture – from listening to U2 to watching the Avengers, your Euro teen will have plenty of opportunity to pick up some natural English. So, don’t worry too much about the language, wherever you go. You’ll make yourself understood.

That doesn’t mean you can’t have fun by learning a few stock phrases – and it is a lot of fun being able to conduct basic transactions in a foreign tongue, without the second party immediately shifting to English. The first step is to plan for what phrases you want to learn, so map out your situations. You’re on vacation, so chances are you’ll have to buy tickets for, say, museums or attractions. Great, learn how to do that. I knew I was going to have to get train tickets from Milan to Venice for the family on my last trip, so I had my phrase ready – “Quattro adulti e due bambi per favore, a Venezia, secunda classa, senza retour.” Four adults, two kids, please, to Venice, second class, no return (or something like that, I’m shooting off the top of my head, please don’t email me that my Italian is horrible, I know it is). But see, I spelled it all out in my practiced phrase, which headed off the chance for any questions by the ticket agent (because the moment you start getting questions, you’ll probably be lost). I also knew the price ahead of time so I didn’t need to figure out if she said 63 or 36.

You’ll be tempted to do this in restaurants, of course, that’s where most phrase books take you. Except it’s surprisingly hard here, unless you’re ordering fast food. Waiters are trained to ask questions, since they want to know if you need anything; they also want to upsell you on the special. Even if you can figure out how to say “je voudrais une coca-cola et un sandwich avec jambon et fromage,” they’re apt to prattle on about their choices in cheese for your sandwich, and since France has over 400 varieties…well, good luck. Though by all means, try, just be prepared to sheepishly shift to English. I try mself, but I also prefer to stick with the more controllable situations – tickets, as mentioned, or basic commercial transactions. And I have the general pleasantry stock phrases at the ready – yes and no, obviously, as well as please and thank you: make sure you have “pretty please” and “thank you very much” ready, too. Grazie is cool, but grazie mille? Now who’s the International Man (or Woman) or Mystery!?!

So, where are you going to learn these stock phrases? Don’t even try to pick them up out of a book. Well, you can try, but it’s not sufficient. The letter sounds in English bear only a passing semblance to the sounds you’ll get in German or French, from the same letters. Blame the Great Vowel Shift for some of that – our “long e” is the equivalent of a “long i” in German. That is, it’s not “Berlinner”, it’s “Berleener”. Etc. And I won’t even go into Umlauts.

You’ll have to have the phrase read to you aloud. And, if possible repeat it back to someone who can correct you and improve it. Sigh…this was a vacation, and now you’re lapsing into schoolwork. You can do it that way, of course, take a class at a local community college or whatnot. Or, if you’re doing this for your family, bring in a tutor to your home, have a group lesson for four tailored to your trip. You don’t need a lot of the basic words and phrases you learn in most classes – cat, nose, uncle. You don’t need the foundations of grammar – no one’s asking you for the dative form of that beer you wanted to order. No, you need basic travel phrases.

The Berlitz guys have been doing this for a while, and you can shell out a few hundred bucks to go through a course. It works, to be sure, if you’re committed. The idea is that, if you shelled out $500 for a course, you’ll make sure you actually do the work. The same theory has been used for gym memberships and exercise equipment. You tell me.

You can tamp it down a bit and try some of the cheaper language training apps that are out there. I won’t even bother to list them – they’re usually free to start, and you pay to unlock more training. I’ve used Rocket, to try to learn Spanish – go ahead, ask me how my Spanish is. Yep. Without someone pushing you along, chances are you’ll back-burner this, too.

At the very low end, you can take your Google Translate along, and speak into your phone. And, have your conversation mate speak into it, too. This doesn’t work at all, but it’s hilarious to try. Google translate is still a long way from going beyond basic words.

It does, however, work for picture translations. Hold your phone over a foreign word in Google Translate, and it will produce the English version. Not bad! It can help with simple restaurant menu items, a lot quicker than looking it up in a book. Unfortunately, modern menus have turned from “ham and cheese sandwich” to “Bluebird farms organic raised house cured ridgeback ham, with hormone free 14 month aged Emmentaler on sustainably harvested spelt bread”. Congratulations, you just crashed the Google servers.

I would recommend Bravolol as your go-to app here – it’s a simple phrase book on your phone, with pronunciation assistance. Pick your favorite phrases – mix and match, if you want to string something together, like my train ticket approach. Have them play out loud, and practice – best to have a partner listen to both, and give pointers as to where you weren’t accurate. If need be, you can play the phrases abroad when you need to, but believe me – it’s lame. You’re telling the waiter “I didn’t bother enough to try to learn your language – here, listen to this machine.” Not the way to get the best out of someone.