Germany, If You Must

As has been noted, when Germans go on tour…you'd better lookout. If you go to Italy or Spain, you’re bound to run into marauding Teutonic hoards. Don’t fight it: they have more money than you, and their complaints will be heard. They’re not a squeaky wheel, they're the blaring siren.

This isn’t a terrible thing: Germans know and demand quality, and efforts to lure them have forced more than one hotel to update dilapidated rooms. Regrettably, Germans love plain white walls, which robs some locations of local charm. But clean and white is better than filthy.

Beyond the hotels, you’d be hard pressed to claim that German influence improves the quality of local food, outside of what – adding beer and sausages? Now, don’t get too smug. The American reputation for food abroad is hardly better, indeed mostly worse. If you want proof, go ahead and order a Pizza Americano in Italy. The result is pure humiliation, especially once you realize it’s not far off base.

 Anyway, wherever you go, the Germans will be waiting for you. A tour bus from Teuteberg or charter flight from Chemnitz have booked your favorite restaurant. Fritz from Frankfurt and Hanna from Hamburg just took the last lounge chairs by the pool. You can’t win.

Best you can do, really, is take the fight to them. Sun Tzu says, if you’re weaker than your opponents, invade! And in this case, you are weaker – you can’t outspend a German on holiday. (Fine, that may have changed now that the Euro is at $1.10, but you certainly couldn’t when it was $1.40).

Germany has never been a popular place to visit, even when they’re not pointing 88’s at you. Survey’s regularly place them outside of the top 10 for Euro destinations; even asylum seekers from desert climates prefer to move to the frozen north, if given the chance. There are known cases of Iraqi refugees returning home because they couldn’t put up with yet another currywurst. That’s fair enough. Germany’s reputation as being orderly and efficient, clean to the point of sterility, mostly humorless, and generally dull have some merit. Their humor actually tends towards the scatological, oddly enough, and you won’t be going there to party in some crazy rave, that train left for Moscow a decade ago.

But you’re going with your family! And clean & orderly isn’t so bad when you have two or three bewildered kids in tow. Your kids will appreciate the simple sausage and cutlet fare, too, and take my word for it, German soft-serve ice cream will be a huge hit with them, as will the cakes and pastries that festoon the landscape: getting fresh rolls from the local bakery every morning is still de rigueur for much of the population. Kinder brand chocolate can’t match the Belgians for sophistication, or the Swiss for depth, but you’ll find yourself stealing large portions of whatever Kinder bar you purchase from your kids.

As for sights – what, do you really want to compare with the high points of the Renaissance that you’ll find in Florence? The splendor of Louis XIV’s court? The grandeur of ruins of Rome? Oddly enough, you can find some of all of that in Germany, to varying degrees – yes, including some excellent Roman ruins. But most of what you’ll find is just a notch below the original: Cologne Cathedral is spectacular, but doesn’t quite stack up to Reims. Burg Eltz is a fairy tale castle, but no match for Carcassone. German Rieslings are delicious, but I’ll take a glass of quality frogwater any day. You get the picture.

So why bother, if you’re not getting the best of why we go to Europe? The best art, food, architecture, scenery? Germany’s case is that, while they may not have the best entry in any individual category, their entry is usually a credible second or third place, and they compete in all categories. Let’s go with food. France is the undeniable king, and I consider Italy to be second. Third place, Germany? You may laugh, but the little town of Baiersbronn in the Black Forest has more aggregate Guide Michelin stars than all of London.

How about cute towns? Hilltop Tuscany usually wins here, but Rothenburg and Dinkelsbuhl are as picturesque as they come. Germans love to put flowers everywhere, which you won’t usually get in the corresponding French versions.

You can get specialized, too: If archaeology is your bag, then the British Museum is stop number one. Stop number two? Berlin’s Pergamon Museum.

There’s simply no other country in Europe that offers the breadth of quality sights and interests as Germany. There’s something for everyone on your travel list, and when you travel with 4-6 people, this becomes important: everyone has to have a stake. Wrap that up with OCD level cleanliness, clear and efficient transportation, high level of personal security, and you have a travel destination that, pound for pound, stands up to any other.

Now, when most people think of travel to Germany, they think beer halls and oom-pah-pah bands: Oktoberfest fare. Germans will bristle at this: what we think of as typically German is specifically Bavarian. The correlative would be of a German assuming a New Yorker carries a revolver and a ten gallon hat. Your typical Northern German doesn’t think he’s much like his Bavarian counterpart: if you can believe it, Bavarians are considered to be “impulsive”. As an outsider, we may not see much of a difference, but they do.

Still, if you’re going to Germany, Bavaria is a great place to start. You can take your kids to the Hofbrauhaus in Munich, if that’s what you want, but don’t be that guy/gal. There’s plenty to do elsewhere.

And in my opinion, elsewhere is outside of Munich. Venture south and you bump right into the Bavarian Alps. Remember when I said Germany had the second or third best of everything? This falls smack dab into that category. These aren’t the Swiss Alps, or even Austrian, but they’re delightful, none-the-less. The southwestern corner of Bavaria is home to Castle Neuschwanstein, which is decidedly not a second or third place finisher: it is the best castle in Europe (Carcassone really falls into the category of walled city). Yes, there are long lines, and you’re in for a good deal of walking, but it’s the arch-type for magical castles. The lovely little town of Fuessen serves as a good base for exploring this region, which is dotted with sparkling mountain lakes and joyous local kids frolicking in their lederhosen or dirndls.

Move due east, and the mountains begin to dominate. You’re in true Catholic Alpine country now, and from the former Olympic village of Garmish-Partenkirchen you’re only a bobsled ride away from the Zugspitze, Germany’s tallest mountain (it sits right on the Germany-Austria border, the way Mont Blanc straddles France and Italy). More snow-covered peaks and bovine-infested valleys await.

Keep moving West, and you will eventually run out of Germany. But not before you can duck down into that wee little corner where you’ll find Berchtesgaden. Yes, the town will never quite be able to erase its stink as being the Nazi’s playground, but you can’t blame the surrounding nature for being so darn attractive. And once you’re all sceneried-out, pop over the border and visit Salzburg: Music City, Austria.

If you’ve gone that far, you’ll have to back-track a bit. Things really don’t get amusing again until you’ve reached the north of Bavaria, and the Imperial cities. In particular: Regensburg, which is also a good spot to hop on a short boat tour along the Danube to this place. Then on to Nurnberg, which has its delightful medieval town center and castle (completely and painstakingly rebuild after WWII). Finally, Bamberg, which tosses its hat into the ring for the “prettiest town in Germany” title (it was the largest city to escape allied bombing). You decide, but I don’t gainsay them on this.

From there, head west to Wurzburg, and the baroque Residenz; north to Coburg, an unspoiled gem; east to Bayreuth, and see if you can snag a ticket to a Wagner opera.

This itinerary has a bit of a cuteness overload factor – the kids will go for it only so much. Once you get past the Bavarian Alps, it’s one half-timber town center after another, one more baroque church to be viewed. You can capitulate by giving your kiddies a day in the Playmobil Funpark outside Nurnberg (admit it, you’re curious), or take the opposite tack and tour Dachau. I don’t think my kids are ready for the latter, and I’m not spending a precious vacation day at the former. I prefer to cut back on Bavaria and see other sights. To be continued.